Things i have learned since becoming a parent..

Of the many things my children have taught me, I thought I'd share a few..

If your kid colors on his walls with your eyeliner pencil you might as well build a new house because there is NO paint on the face of the Earth that will successfully cover that shit up.. Also, I have to start keeping a padlock on my make up box..

Washing and drying pissy clothes will not necessarily get the piss smell out..

DVD players will not play corndogs... or anything else after that..

You can never really childproof your house..

Time out is the biggest load of crap i have ever heard of.. Unless maybe your timeout spot has a seat that is bolted into the wall and has a five point harness.. Mine doesnt so i prefer to go about things the old fashioned way.

Being specific is really important.. Like instead of saying "Goodnight baby, sleep well" you should say "Good night baby, sleep well, dont take apart any furniture, leave your doors attached to the walls, leave the electrical outlets alone, stay inside the house, stay away from the microwave and have sweet dreams!"..

It is perfectly acceptable to laugh at your kids for being retarded.. You've got to have a sense of humor about things.

Children can and will climb a 6 foot tall entertainment cabinet to get the celadon elephant that your husband got you in Thailand, the one and only gift he ever put any real thought into getting you, just to shatter it into a hundred pieces..

You should just accept your stretchmarks.. I refer to mine as war wounds i got when fighting the good fight..

You can only be responsible for the effort, not the outcome..

Breastfeeding is important and it IS good for baby but it is NOT the beautiful bonding moment those lactation consultants make it out to be..

Running around naked screaming like a banshee must be fun as hell!

I can survive and do well on 3 hours of sleep a week. Really, anything after that is just an opportunity for your kids to get into the pantry and destroy your home..

It feels good, and i mean REALLY good to see other people not be able to handle what you handled.. Okay that one sounds spiteful but you gotta understand The Situation was not an easy breezy kid starting at around age 2.5 until.. well he went to sleep a few hours ago and i heard alot of everything from "boys will be boys" to "he just needs more discipline" and i gotta say it has made my heart glow to watch those people's sweet little babies turn into soul destroying monkeys.. I hope those kids break ALL their parents elephants from Thailand.. or whatever..

I have learned alot of good things too.. Like how fun it is to run through the sprinkler when its hot as balls outside. How good it feels to watch your child figure something out on their own and what it feels like to be unconditionally loved. I have learned that its the little things in life that really make life worth living and nothing is sweeter than a sweaty headed little boy bringing me a flower (or kumquat off the neighbors tree that hangs over the fence)..

And on a side note, today River said "Mommy, i love you more than F-18s" and Presley jumped right in and said "yea well Mommy i love you more than F-22s"!!