Some days i just want to scream

I try, very hard, on a daily basis to not complain..
I hate whiny women.. Okay i hate whiny people in general..
I realize that being satisfied with your life is a decision you make everyday and pretty much everything you have, you gave yourself.. You know that whole "you made your bed and now you gotta sleep in it thing". I'm a big fan of self-reliance..
All of these are reasons why i try not to complain. This and i just cant stand the sound of people bitching once they get past the age of 4 or so. Once your an adult you should have accepted the basic understanding that life is hard.. and pretty much shitty..
Pretentious, cynical.. Whatever, I've been called worse and today I'm about to bite somebodies head off..
Its been a long couple of weeks in this house and I'm a little bit worn down..
I need a break (this is where other peoples bitchin comes in).. I am soooo fucking sick of hearing my Mom friends bitch that they only get out of the house once a month or so.. James and I have been married 6 years and in that 6 years we've gone out, on a date, without kids three times.. Yea your once a month is sounding pretty good next to my once every 24 months. I don't play my military spouse card very often (because it happens to be something I'm quite proud of) but my husband has been gone for half of our marriage (i really don't know where we found the time to make these kids!) and we don't (never have and probably never will) live anywhere near family and friends who could maybe help me out. Not that i would ask..
I hate hearing women bitch about how they had to take their kid to grocery store with them.. Aww, hmm, bless your heart.. Try taking 3 (soon to be 4) kids with you because your spouse is on a different continent. And while your there you have to keep the babies fed, dry and happy, keep the three year old from melting down and keep explaining to strangers why the five year old is making weird noises with his eyes rolled back in his head..
Ah but i cant complain for some reason.. James is in the military and most people have the attitude of well, he knew what he signed up for (but wait, i have great health insurance).. Yea because that makes it easier on the children. The children, yes i know what causes that too.. And sure i could take a break, go out, relax.. Because there is just a world full of babysitters who i trust that can handle hyperactive aspie with tourettes..
Im bored, lonely, pregnant and i miss my husband..
Did i mention that for the last 6 days all of the children have had fevers and bright green ninja turtle ooze dripping from their faces?

okay.. I think all i have succeeded in doing here is putting myself in a worse mood so im going to stop now..
Putting my happy face back on and maybe tomorrow wont suck.. But hey even if it does, i probably wont say anything..

You ever wonder if those people who have strokes from being under immense stress realize thats whats happening when it happens?

wishin' and hopin' and thinkin'

Okay so strangely enough, the tables have turned..
What was once a desire to raise a houseful of strong southern gentlemen has crumbled into a pink, taffeta mess..
So I'm (at this point) about 90 percent sure that after this child is born i will be done having children and i intend to have some kind of surgical and permanent type of birth control..
If this baby is not a girl, I am never going to have one and I'm going to be quite sad about it..
Yes I'm sure that i could talk James into, whats one more when you've got 12 right? But i know that i cannot physically, emotionally or financially afford another baby.. Besides i could have 10 more babies and still never get a girl.. My grandparents in law had 7 daughters all in a row! 7!!
Ive trained in vain to convince myself that i don't need to have a daughter.. Listen to some of the reasoning Ive come up with..

Some of us were just made to have boys..

I'm not girly enough to have a daughter..

There's too much to worry about with teenage girls..

Having a girl would throw off the whole room sharing situation at our house..

James already has a daughter and i feel like if i had one, it would somehow or another take away the specialness of their relationship.. Hes already got an apple in his eye, he doesn't need two!

I'm not ready to give up my "Mom of all boys" crown and sash..

All the toys, clothes and kid furniture i have is for boys..

All just an attempt to hide the disappointment i know ill feel if i get a hot dog and not a hamburger again!
And its not even some biological driven need for a daughter.. Its her.. What would she look like? What would she be like when shes 5, 10, 25?
You remember those little dancing cheerleader girls? They had that Internet video of them at a competition dirty dancing to "all the single ladies"? Well i see things like that and shake my head.. Those were the people that should not have had daughters.. Its almost a knife in my back every time i see some slut i went to high school with, who still thinks its appropriate to dress like Brittney in a school girl outfit, have a daughter.. or two.. I cringe at the thought that one day, these are the girls that are going to go to high school with my sons.. I want to have a daughter so i can teach her to hunt arrowheads. The teenage girl who changes her own oil (okay maybe not because i don't plan on letting the kids own cars until they are at LEAST 18).. The woman who's read Life on the Mississippi.. The little freckle faced blond who picks flowers..

Just Another Day Older..

January 14th has come and gone once again and I am another year older..

Weird..

I don't feel any older but I'm pretty sure that's only because i felt old as hell to begin with..

This year I,
lived in Sunny Florida,
bought a newer model of the same SUV that i rolled around in when i was a kid,
got handed some big scary medical words over Presley,
planted my very own unsuccessful vegetable garden,
swam in the ocean,
mowed the lawn for the very first time,
watched Wilson start walking,
have been a fancy Blue Angel's wife,
reconnected with Hattiesburg,
started eating sushi,
understood what "not 16 anymore" really means,
loved James even more than i did last year,
got pregnant with my FOURTH child,
sent my first born off to Kindergarten,
switched from Coke to Dr. Pepper,
missed California (I know right?),
realized that the older i look, the more handsome James will become,
have been tired,
realized the older i get, the harder pregnancy becomes,
watched my baby sister go off and do something with her life,
went on two dates with James (2! that's like a record!),
have really started to appreciate quiet,
found out what stress really feels like and
a bunch of other stuff..

Also this year i learned that no matter how old i get, somebody 15 minutes older than me is going to refer to me as a baby and tell me i wont be old until im their age..
The same goes for my kids.. This year i went through the impossibly hard task of sending "the situation" off to kindergarten and everybody tried to make me feel better by saying "wait until your kids in the third grade" or "i just sent my baby off to college".. Guess what folks, that doesn't help..
Ive learned that its always something.. isn't it?
Ive learned paying utilities sucks..

Weirdly enough this year I've stopped fearing thirty.. I'm actually excited about it!(?)
okay well the alarm bell is going off (that's code for at least two of the kids are screaming) so better be on my way..