Day 7

Day #7. A picture of your most treasured item..

hmmm.. Okay (this is not including the kids or stuff like that but) my most treasured physical possession is..



My celadon elephant that James got me in Thailand.. I LOVE this little guy! Before James left for deployment he asked what I wanted him to get me from overseas, I told him something green.. He came home the next year with it. It was perfect! My favorite color, my favorite animal. He really surprised me (no offense James) in putting actual thought into what to get for me. Searching it out. I cried at the sight of it. I knew it was something that i would treasure for the rest of my life. I cried every time James had to leave after that but the sight of this little guy reminded me that James was thinking about me..

I cried really, really hard when i walked into our living room to see Presley had climbed 6 feet to the top of the entertainment cabinet, gotten it down and was slamming it into the floor. Shattering it.
I spent two weeks trying to glue it back together.. I still have it and it still kind of looks like an elephant.
It took every bone in my body to keep me from beating him to death with the broken pieces of it..
It now sits on a plant ledge about 10 feet up, holding up some encyclopedias..

Id like to see that little shit try to get it down now!

Day 5

Day 5. A picture of your favorite memory..

Is it even possible to take a picture of a memory? Maybe if i think real hard about something and take a picture of myself.. Hmm..

We'll skip this one because its impossible.. On to the next day

Day 6. A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day


(Thats little me by the way)

Oh if i could.. And know what i do now.. I would go back and put a stop to a few things.. Nothing i really want to go into detail about, just things.. But things that have had a profound impact on who i am today, what im capable of and how i feel about myself..

Im a smoker

You know what?

I smoke!

I smoke Camel Filters (in a box, 99s) and i have for quite some time. I smoke quite often, up to a pack a day..

You know what bothers me more than most things in life?

When some uppity dip-shit feels the need to tell me that cigarettes are bad for me.. Like i have managed to live my entire life and some how or another miss that bit of crucial information..
Its written on the side of the box, i know how to read. Thankyou..
Yes i know they are going to kill me. Im very well aware of the fact that im going to die one day. In fact, im so sure of my own death that ive already made arrangements for it. If i want to die by drowning in my cancerous mucous then thats my problem.. I can promise you (ass hat) in the Walmart parking lot that your dirty look and smart ass comment arent going to stop me from smoking. It actually makes me want to light up another one so i can walk really close to you and share some of my nicotene.
You clearly need it..
Im glad that you hate cigarettes or smokers in general. I hate pretentious douche bags that feel entitled to the right to judge my life because you walked past me.. So its a good damn thing im me and you are you..

Have a nice day now..

I should do this more often..

Everyday 15 or so things to blog about pop in my head. My handbag is full of little scraps of paper with blog topics written on them!
I cant remember the last time i actually blogged..
I think i started some number of things to blog about project but im awesome at starting a project and NEVER finishing it.. Unless of course its for somebody else.. Cards, gifts, happies.. Those things i can finish without a problem. Two days after i found out i was pregnant, i started knitting a babies blanket for future Finneas. Hes 16 weeks old today and i havent even finished the first skein and its only a 6 ounce skein!! But my girlfriend is due with their (combined) 4th boy in a few weeks and im already almost done with hers..
I make all the excuses. Im busy. Im tired. There arent enough hours in the day. The boys got into my crafting supplies and teepeed my house with yarn and hid all my needles and hooks.. I tell myself they arent excuses but reasons..
The reason i've stopped blogging is my PC is in my bedroom. Finn's crib is also in my bedroom. My typing wont wake him up but me sending one of the bigger boys out of the room every few minutes will. Also, Wilson has a very "out of sight, out of mind" view on Mommy law. The moment he realizes im not in the room he goes buck wild!
So heres my plan. Im going to be stupid for a week and relocate my computer to the living room. I know this is almost an open invitation for the children to destroy my computer but a few weeks ago i turned my studio room into a play room for the boys so they have pretty much vacated the living room. So this may work.. We'll see!

Too much time to think..

So my water broke at 31 weeks and 6 days.. I have now been laying in the bed in the hospital for 5 days and im driving myself crazy..
This isnt exactly how i had planned the last few days of my childbearing years but I guess I'll take what i can get..

Bill Lumbergh (from Office Space) is my doctor..

The nurses station has little snacks and drinks for patients (like most do) but for some reason this one has soda.. Is soda really what we should be offering people in need of health care? And while were on the subject, Sierra Mist Naturals? Whats so damn natural about a lemon lime carbonated beverage?

Unicorns and glitter!!

Ive never really been a big fan of television.. For the most part the only thing on TV i truly enjoy is Jeopardy. After being layed up in this bed for a week, I REALLY dont like television. My brain feels dull.

You know how much i love my kids? The boys dumped an entire bag of grass seed in my veggie garden and i dont really care. The grass its growing is beautiful, makes the veggies look like weeds..

Though i dont go to church (or believe for that matter) Its weirdly comforting that this is a Catholic hospital with statues of flying nuns all over the place and im staying in a place called the Seton Center..

Rolling around in a wheel chair is not as fun as it used to be.

I miss noise. All this quiet is weird. No screaming little boys, nothing breaking. No Blue Angels circling my house. I know peace and quiet is soothing for some people, for others though.. Its stressful.

You know that expression "when it rains, it pours"? Since Ive been in the hospital we learned that Wilson is severely allergic to ant bites. The poor little dude is covered from head to toe in wicked hives from a bite on his foot..

I miss my dudes so much. Ive never been one of those Moms that cant stand to be away from their children. Hell yea ill take a break when i can get it! But I've never had to be away from them this long. Im on the end of my fifth day in the hospital and im really starting to miss the little things about each of them. I miss Presley's questions, I miss River's snuggles and I miss Wilson's little words (hes learning a new one about every hour)..

Ive got a great view of the parking garage and a few strips of the parking lot next to it. Im starting to think the driver's license exam should be harder.

When you use the expression "hot as balls in here", docs look at you weird..

Today with my lunch i got gatorade in a can.. It was weird!

There are two things that women tend to do that drive me crazy.. The first is complain that they dont have a man (gag, vomit, deal).. And the second is women who have kids complain that they dont get a break or dont have a babysitter.. Yea, you had kids.. Tough..

As horrible as it sounds, Im so ready to have this baby.. I know everyday he stays inside is two less days he'll have to stay in the NICU. I know its not time for him to be born, i know hes small.. But i cant lay in this hospital for another month! I feel like an old dog that needs to be put down because of bad hips. Im achy and sore and sick and damn tired of the inside of this room. I miss my house. I miss my kids. I miss being barefoot in my kitchen. I had plans for this week damnit! Presley's spring break ends soon and hes got to be back at class on Monday. My Mom came down the day my water broke and her and James have been taking shifts at the hospital with me but she has to leave on Monday then James will have to stay at home full time with the kids and that leaves me up here by myself (yea pity party i know..).. I have no idea how im going to make this work if i have to stay here..

Okay well im gonna go walk to the coffee pot (the only thing im allowed to walk to) and maybe something amazing will happen..
Thanks for reading the ramblings of a crazy lady..
Next post: The ferret family

Day #4

Day 4. A picture of your favorite night..
Well i really dont like night time. It makes me feel un-productive, so i wouldnt really have a favorite night.. So then i guess it becomes a competetion of cool things that happened at night..
So Wilson being born wins it..
(Presley was also born at night but his birth was scary and painful and it had only just gotten dark when he was born..)
I was pretty sure i was in labor when James got off work..
I knew i was in labor when i left the grocery store..
Hard labor by the time the kids were bathed and at the baby sitter..
At 2:40 am Wilson was born in a quiet, dimly lit, peaceful room to his Father and I with just the Doctor and the Nurse who left a few minutes later.. It was beautiful. We named him and I nursed him and then the three of us took a nap..

My first two births were very hectic.. There were about 15 people in the room when Presley finally came and Maggie flew out to be with us when River was born (who came so fast the Doctor almost missed him!).. So just me and James in a quiet room was quite different..

Day #3

Day 3. A picture of the cast from your favorite show..

Okay this is easy..



ER changed my life yall.. That was MY show! When Dr. Mark Greene died, i literally threw up because of all the emotion. I spent many years wanting to be like Abby. I cried through every episode of the last season because I knew i was going to lose 15 seasons worth of friends.. I really think my love of ER would fall under the jurisdiction of an addiction because really did affect my day to day life.. I wouldn't answer the door if a knew episode was on!
And then it ended..

I still don't have another show that i make a point to watch..

Day #2..

Day 2. A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest..

This question doesnt really make much sense..
The closeset or the longest?
So heres what fits best for both..




(hehe, i look taller than her in both of those pictures.. Im not, not even close!)

Maggie is my sister and my best friend. She was born about a month after i turned three so we've been pretty close for a pretty long time now..
Ive missed her alot since she left for Air Force training and i get sad thinking that it will probably always be a long drive and a special occasion to get to see her now.. I feel like i JUST got her back! I lived on the other side of the country for soo long. We finally managed to live less than an hour away from each other and she leaves for basic.. But thats the life. As soon as she gets done with training and gets settled at her duty station it will be time for us to PCS again anyway.. I suppose were both grown ups now with lives and husbands so its not like either of us has a lot of "hang out" time. But there will always be things in life that only she will get. Like indian brushes with blackberry paint or what Malibu Barbie smells like..

30 pics

Okay.. So I've been a little down in the dumps lately and all of my blogs (as few and far between as they have been) have been pretty negative..
So I'm doing one of these cheesy blog challenges.. It'll get a few post up and maybe convince the world I'm not about to throw myself off the roof..

Day 1. A picture of yourself with 15 facts
Day 2. A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
Day 3. A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 4. A picture of your favorite night
Day 5. A picture of your favorite memory
Day 6. A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 7. A picture of your most treasured item
Day 8. A picture that makes you laugh
Day 9. A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10. A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with
Day 11. A picture of something you hate
Day 12. A picture of something you love
Day 13. A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day 14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15. A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16. A picture of someone who inspires you
Day 17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day 18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19. A picture and a letter
Day 20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day 22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23. A picture of your favorite book
Day 24. A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25. A picture of your favorite day
Day 26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27. A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28. A picture of something you're afraid of
Day 29. A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30. A picture of someone you miss

Okay say Day #1, here we go..

#1 I was born and raised in Hattiesburg Mississippi, I take great pride in being A Southern Woman.
#2 In approximately 3 months i will give birth for the fourth time, bringing into the world my fourth son..
#3 The largest elephant in recorded history weighed 24,000 pounds and was 13 feet tall at the shoulders. (24,000 pounds is more than an empty F/A-18C/D)
#4 I just really do not like Jimi Hendrix.
#5 I'm seemingly confident as a parent from a distance but once you get closer its easy to see these kids will need years of therapy.
#6 I have known James for 16 years. James and I have lived together for over 7 years and we have been married for 6 years (next month is the 6 year mark anyway)..
#7 Technology has ruined manners and made America's children fat and stupid. I would throw the TV away if James would let me..
#8 Seven out of every ten children with epilepsy will never know just why they have seizures..
#9 The older i get the more I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be left handed.
#10 The smell of yellow Jessamine on a spring day in the South will stop me in my tracks.
#11 I hate change.. Mostly because i suck at it.. I like things the way they are..
#12 Before it was Scrabble, it was called Lexiko..
#13 My all time favorite song is Midnight Train to Georgia by Gladys Knight and the Pip.. Get it Gladys!
#14 ASD affects around 1 in 110 kids. Sometimes the signs aren't so blaringly obvious. It can be hard to spot in very high functioning kids and show differently in girls.. If something seems off to you, ask your doc and don't stop until you get answers!
#15 I am a Navy Wife through and through. I am the Queen of squared away. I know what goes in a Sea Bag. I know how to survive deployments and detachments. I know what MWR, NMCRS, FFSP, TSP, PCS and DeCA stand for. I know the difference between away and aweigh. I know where to put the patches (and i can do if faster than those uniform shop bitches). I know my place in our family. I know my place in the Navy (not in a sea bag). Mostly though, i know i love my husband and i am thankful that his career has opened many doors for our family..

Bye Mom, Love you..

After two very intense days (and two days of missed school) Presley went back to class today with a few new words in his vocabulary.. It was hard to let him go but i managed to make it back to the truck before i started crying and almost all the way back to our house before i started sobbing.. God i wish i could stop doing that. I hate crying. Its just a reminder that im not as tough as i think i am. It seems as though every few minutes some new and heartbreaking thing that im just gonna deal with, pops into my head and i cant make it go away. Last night i cried for almost an hour because of a piece of paper.. Not just any piece of paper but one that was in the millions of pieces of paper about epilepsy that ive gotten in the past two days. Not real sure why this particular piece of paper hurt so bad. Well i guess i do, its one no parent really wants to every see. It was information on how important it is that i get Presley some type of medical ID bracelet and it listed off a few places i could purchase one. Up until that moment in my life i could always kind of quietly deal with my heartbreak over that lot my son was handed in life because he didnt look any different than any other kid.. Once i put a bracelet on him that changes.. Now he looks different that other kids. Now people that dont even know him, know hes sick..
God i hate this.
The last 48 hours have been about the darkest of my entire life.. Im trying to smile but really i am sad, scared and very, very alone.. James and I going through this away from each other has sucked.. We could really use our Daddy Rabbit right now.. Or i could anyway. Poor Presley is so used to seeing new specialist and having different test done and learning medical words that this is absolutely not even a thing for him..
Okay well i gotta get out of here and head to the pharmacy.. Something called Depakote is supposed to just turn the seizures off.. So were gonna try it starting tomorrow..

geeze, what else..

almost 2 years ago Presley started having (or James and i noticed) these things that sort of looked like panic attacks..
Over time they have evolved and become very distinct.
About 8 months ago James and I both said that they have almost started looking somewhat like seizures. We brought it up to the doctor and like so many doctors involving Presley over so many different things in the past, it was brushed off. They pretty much told us that if they didnt see it happen then they couldnt tell us what it was..
Well about a week and a half ago his doctor FINALLY saw it! She agreed it did look like a seizure so she put in a referral for a neurology consult. While waiting for the confirmation to arrive in the mail we went to the pediatric neuropsychologist (our Asperger doctor) where it actually happened 7 times in 25 minutes, right in front of her.. She immediately got on the phone, made a million calls and got us into see THE pediatric neurologist the next day (this morning)..
Pres had an EEG done (which he handled amazingly!) during which he had 3 separate and distinct seizures..
An hour later im sitting in the office of a guy with rainbow shoes when i heard another one of those cold, scary and unforgiving medical words.. Epilepsy

Presley has epilepsy..

He will start drugs for it tomorrow evening that he will continue to take until he has been seizure free for two years..
Im feeling rather numb right now.. But as the day goes by the panic and sadness i can tell are seeping in.. I could really use James right now..

okay well the smaller boys are up from naps now i so i guess i better get back to pretending nothing is wrong..
Happy faces!

ill write more about this when i have the time and the words..

Some days i just want to scream

I try, very hard, on a daily basis to not complain..
I hate whiny women.. Okay i hate whiny people in general..
I realize that being satisfied with your life is a decision you make everyday and pretty much everything you have, you gave yourself.. You know that whole "you made your bed and now you gotta sleep in it thing". I'm a big fan of self-reliance..
All of these are reasons why i try not to complain. This and i just cant stand the sound of people bitching once they get past the age of 4 or so. Once your an adult you should have accepted the basic understanding that life is hard.. and pretty much shitty..
Pretentious, cynical.. Whatever, I've been called worse and today I'm about to bite somebodies head off..
Its been a long couple of weeks in this house and I'm a little bit worn down..
I need a break (this is where other peoples bitchin comes in).. I am soooo fucking sick of hearing my Mom friends bitch that they only get out of the house once a month or so.. James and I have been married 6 years and in that 6 years we've gone out, on a date, without kids three times.. Yea your once a month is sounding pretty good next to my once every 24 months. I don't play my military spouse card very often (because it happens to be something I'm quite proud of) but my husband has been gone for half of our marriage (i really don't know where we found the time to make these kids!) and we don't (never have and probably never will) live anywhere near family and friends who could maybe help me out. Not that i would ask..
I hate hearing women bitch about how they had to take their kid to grocery store with them.. Aww, hmm, bless your heart.. Try taking 3 (soon to be 4) kids with you because your spouse is on a different continent. And while your there you have to keep the babies fed, dry and happy, keep the three year old from melting down and keep explaining to strangers why the five year old is making weird noises with his eyes rolled back in his head..
Ah but i cant complain for some reason.. James is in the military and most people have the attitude of well, he knew what he signed up for (but wait, i have great health insurance).. Yea because that makes it easier on the children. The children, yes i know what causes that too.. And sure i could take a break, go out, relax.. Because there is just a world full of babysitters who i trust that can handle hyperactive aspie with tourettes..
Im bored, lonely, pregnant and i miss my husband..
Did i mention that for the last 6 days all of the children have had fevers and bright green ninja turtle ooze dripping from their faces?

okay.. I think all i have succeeded in doing here is putting myself in a worse mood so im going to stop now..
Putting my happy face back on and maybe tomorrow wont suck.. But hey even if it does, i probably wont say anything..

You ever wonder if those people who have strokes from being under immense stress realize thats whats happening when it happens?

wishin' and hopin' and thinkin'

Okay so strangely enough, the tables have turned..
What was once a desire to raise a houseful of strong southern gentlemen has crumbled into a pink, taffeta mess..
So I'm (at this point) about 90 percent sure that after this child is born i will be done having children and i intend to have some kind of surgical and permanent type of birth control..
If this baby is not a girl, I am never going to have one and I'm going to be quite sad about it..
Yes I'm sure that i could talk James into, whats one more when you've got 12 right? But i know that i cannot physically, emotionally or financially afford another baby.. Besides i could have 10 more babies and still never get a girl.. My grandparents in law had 7 daughters all in a row! 7!!
Ive trained in vain to convince myself that i don't need to have a daughter.. Listen to some of the reasoning Ive come up with..

Some of us were just made to have boys..

I'm not girly enough to have a daughter..

There's too much to worry about with teenage girls..

Having a girl would throw off the whole room sharing situation at our house..

James already has a daughter and i feel like if i had one, it would somehow or another take away the specialness of their relationship.. Hes already got an apple in his eye, he doesn't need two!

I'm not ready to give up my "Mom of all boys" crown and sash..

All the toys, clothes and kid furniture i have is for boys..

All just an attempt to hide the disappointment i know ill feel if i get a hot dog and not a hamburger again!
And its not even some biological driven need for a daughter.. Its her.. What would she look like? What would she be like when shes 5, 10, 25?
You remember those little dancing cheerleader girls? They had that Internet video of them at a competition dirty dancing to "all the single ladies"? Well i see things like that and shake my head.. Those were the people that should not have had daughters.. Its almost a knife in my back every time i see some slut i went to high school with, who still thinks its appropriate to dress like Brittney in a school girl outfit, have a daughter.. or two.. I cringe at the thought that one day, these are the girls that are going to go to high school with my sons.. I want to have a daughter so i can teach her to hunt arrowheads. The teenage girl who changes her own oil (okay maybe not because i don't plan on letting the kids own cars until they are at LEAST 18).. The woman who's read Life on the Mississippi.. The little freckle faced blond who picks flowers..

Just Another Day Older..

January 14th has come and gone once again and I am another year older..

Weird..

I don't feel any older but I'm pretty sure that's only because i felt old as hell to begin with..

This year I,
lived in Sunny Florida,
bought a newer model of the same SUV that i rolled around in when i was a kid,
got handed some big scary medical words over Presley,
planted my very own unsuccessful vegetable garden,
swam in the ocean,
mowed the lawn for the very first time,
watched Wilson start walking,
have been a fancy Blue Angel's wife,
reconnected with Hattiesburg,
started eating sushi,
understood what "not 16 anymore" really means,
loved James even more than i did last year,
got pregnant with my FOURTH child,
sent my first born off to Kindergarten,
switched from Coke to Dr. Pepper,
missed California (I know right?),
realized that the older i look, the more handsome James will become,
have been tired,
realized the older i get, the harder pregnancy becomes,
watched my baby sister go off and do something with her life,
went on two dates with James (2! that's like a record!),
have really started to appreciate quiet,
found out what stress really feels like and
a bunch of other stuff..

Also this year i learned that no matter how old i get, somebody 15 minutes older than me is going to refer to me as a baby and tell me i wont be old until im their age..
The same goes for my kids.. This year i went through the impossibly hard task of sending "the situation" off to kindergarten and everybody tried to make me feel better by saying "wait until your kids in the third grade" or "i just sent my baby off to college".. Guess what folks, that doesn't help..
Ive learned that its always something.. isn't it?
Ive learned paying utilities sucks..

Weirdly enough this year I've stopped fearing thirty.. I'm actually excited about it!(?)
okay well the alarm bell is going off (that's code for at least two of the kids are screaming) so better be on my way..