Day 7

Day #7. A picture of your most treasured item..

hmmm.. Okay (this is not including the kids or stuff like that but) my most treasured physical possession is..



My celadon elephant that James got me in Thailand.. I LOVE this little guy! Before James left for deployment he asked what I wanted him to get me from overseas, I told him something green.. He came home the next year with it. It was perfect! My favorite color, my favorite animal. He really surprised me (no offense James) in putting actual thought into what to get for me. Searching it out. I cried at the sight of it. I knew it was something that i would treasure for the rest of my life. I cried every time James had to leave after that but the sight of this little guy reminded me that James was thinking about me..

I cried really, really hard when i walked into our living room to see Presley had climbed 6 feet to the top of the entertainment cabinet, gotten it down and was slamming it into the floor. Shattering it.
I spent two weeks trying to glue it back together.. I still have it and it still kind of looks like an elephant.
It took every bone in my body to keep me from beating him to death with the broken pieces of it..
It now sits on a plant ledge about 10 feet up, holding up some encyclopedias..

Id like to see that little shit try to get it down now!

Day 5

Day 5. A picture of your favorite memory..

Is it even possible to take a picture of a memory? Maybe if i think real hard about something and take a picture of myself.. Hmm..

We'll skip this one because its impossible.. On to the next day

Day 6. A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day


(Thats little me by the way)

Oh if i could.. And know what i do now.. I would go back and put a stop to a few things.. Nothing i really want to go into detail about, just things.. But things that have had a profound impact on who i am today, what im capable of and how i feel about myself..

Im a smoker

You know what?

I smoke!

I smoke Camel Filters (in a box, 99s) and i have for quite some time. I smoke quite often, up to a pack a day..

You know what bothers me more than most things in life?

When some uppity dip-shit feels the need to tell me that cigarettes are bad for me.. Like i have managed to live my entire life and some how or another miss that bit of crucial information..
Its written on the side of the box, i know how to read. Thankyou..
Yes i know they are going to kill me. Im very well aware of the fact that im going to die one day. In fact, im so sure of my own death that ive already made arrangements for it. If i want to die by drowning in my cancerous mucous then thats my problem.. I can promise you (ass hat) in the Walmart parking lot that your dirty look and smart ass comment arent going to stop me from smoking. It actually makes me want to light up another one so i can walk really close to you and share some of my nicotene.
You clearly need it..
Im glad that you hate cigarettes or smokers in general. I hate pretentious douche bags that feel entitled to the right to judge my life because you walked past me.. So its a good damn thing im me and you are you..

Have a nice day now..

I should do this more often..

Everyday 15 or so things to blog about pop in my head. My handbag is full of little scraps of paper with blog topics written on them!
I cant remember the last time i actually blogged..
I think i started some number of things to blog about project but im awesome at starting a project and NEVER finishing it.. Unless of course its for somebody else.. Cards, gifts, happies.. Those things i can finish without a problem. Two days after i found out i was pregnant, i started knitting a babies blanket for future Finneas. Hes 16 weeks old today and i havent even finished the first skein and its only a 6 ounce skein!! But my girlfriend is due with their (combined) 4th boy in a few weeks and im already almost done with hers..
I make all the excuses. Im busy. Im tired. There arent enough hours in the day. The boys got into my crafting supplies and teepeed my house with yarn and hid all my needles and hooks.. I tell myself they arent excuses but reasons..
The reason i've stopped blogging is my PC is in my bedroom. Finn's crib is also in my bedroom. My typing wont wake him up but me sending one of the bigger boys out of the room every few minutes will. Also, Wilson has a very "out of sight, out of mind" view on Mommy law. The moment he realizes im not in the room he goes buck wild!
So heres my plan. Im going to be stupid for a week and relocate my computer to the living room. I know this is almost an open invitation for the children to destroy my computer but a few weeks ago i turned my studio room into a play room for the boys so they have pretty much vacated the living room. So this may work.. We'll see!

Too much time to think..

So my water broke at 31 weeks and 6 days.. I have now been laying in the bed in the hospital for 5 days and im driving myself crazy..
This isnt exactly how i had planned the last few days of my childbearing years but I guess I'll take what i can get..

Bill Lumbergh (from Office Space) is my doctor..

The nurses station has little snacks and drinks for patients (like most do) but for some reason this one has soda.. Is soda really what we should be offering people in need of health care? And while were on the subject, Sierra Mist Naturals? Whats so damn natural about a lemon lime carbonated beverage?

Unicorns and glitter!!

Ive never really been a big fan of television.. For the most part the only thing on TV i truly enjoy is Jeopardy. After being layed up in this bed for a week, I REALLY dont like television. My brain feels dull.

You know how much i love my kids? The boys dumped an entire bag of grass seed in my veggie garden and i dont really care. The grass its growing is beautiful, makes the veggies look like weeds..

Though i dont go to church (or believe for that matter) Its weirdly comforting that this is a Catholic hospital with statues of flying nuns all over the place and im staying in a place called the Seton Center..

Rolling around in a wheel chair is not as fun as it used to be.

I miss noise. All this quiet is weird. No screaming little boys, nothing breaking. No Blue Angels circling my house. I know peace and quiet is soothing for some people, for others though.. Its stressful.

You know that expression "when it rains, it pours"? Since Ive been in the hospital we learned that Wilson is severely allergic to ant bites. The poor little dude is covered from head to toe in wicked hives from a bite on his foot..

I miss my dudes so much. Ive never been one of those Moms that cant stand to be away from their children. Hell yea ill take a break when i can get it! But I've never had to be away from them this long. Im on the end of my fifth day in the hospital and im really starting to miss the little things about each of them. I miss Presley's questions, I miss River's snuggles and I miss Wilson's little words (hes learning a new one about every hour)..

Ive got a great view of the parking garage and a few strips of the parking lot next to it. Im starting to think the driver's license exam should be harder.

When you use the expression "hot as balls in here", docs look at you weird..

Today with my lunch i got gatorade in a can.. It was weird!

There are two things that women tend to do that drive me crazy.. The first is complain that they dont have a man (gag, vomit, deal).. And the second is women who have kids complain that they dont get a break or dont have a babysitter.. Yea, you had kids.. Tough..

As horrible as it sounds, Im so ready to have this baby.. I know everyday he stays inside is two less days he'll have to stay in the NICU. I know its not time for him to be born, i know hes small.. But i cant lay in this hospital for another month! I feel like an old dog that needs to be put down because of bad hips. Im achy and sore and sick and damn tired of the inside of this room. I miss my house. I miss my kids. I miss being barefoot in my kitchen. I had plans for this week damnit! Presley's spring break ends soon and hes got to be back at class on Monday. My Mom came down the day my water broke and her and James have been taking shifts at the hospital with me but she has to leave on Monday then James will have to stay at home full time with the kids and that leaves me up here by myself (yea pity party i know..).. I have no idea how im going to make this work if i have to stay here..

Okay well im gonna go walk to the coffee pot (the only thing im allowed to walk to) and maybe something amazing will happen..
Thanks for reading the ramblings of a crazy lady..
Next post: The ferret family

Day #4

Day 4. A picture of your favorite night..
Well i really dont like night time. It makes me feel un-productive, so i wouldnt really have a favorite night.. So then i guess it becomes a competetion of cool things that happened at night..
So Wilson being born wins it..
(Presley was also born at night but his birth was scary and painful and it had only just gotten dark when he was born..)
I was pretty sure i was in labor when James got off work..
I knew i was in labor when i left the grocery store..
Hard labor by the time the kids were bathed and at the baby sitter..
At 2:40 am Wilson was born in a quiet, dimly lit, peaceful room to his Father and I with just the Doctor and the Nurse who left a few minutes later.. It was beautiful. We named him and I nursed him and then the three of us took a nap..

My first two births were very hectic.. There were about 15 people in the room when Presley finally came and Maggie flew out to be with us when River was born (who came so fast the Doctor almost missed him!).. So just me and James in a quiet room was quite different..

Day #3

Day 3. A picture of the cast from your favorite show..

Okay this is easy..



ER changed my life yall.. That was MY show! When Dr. Mark Greene died, i literally threw up because of all the emotion. I spent many years wanting to be like Abby. I cried through every episode of the last season because I knew i was going to lose 15 seasons worth of friends.. I really think my love of ER would fall under the jurisdiction of an addiction because really did affect my day to day life.. I wouldn't answer the door if a knew episode was on!
And then it ended..

I still don't have another show that i make a point to watch..

Day #2..

Day 2. A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest..

This question doesnt really make much sense..
The closeset or the longest?
So heres what fits best for both..




(hehe, i look taller than her in both of those pictures.. Im not, not even close!)

Maggie is my sister and my best friend. She was born about a month after i turned three so we've been pretty close for a pretty long time now..
Ive missed her alot since she left for Air Force training and i get sad thinking that it will probably always be a long drive and a special occasion to get to see her now.. I feel like i JUST got her back! I lived on the other side of the country for soo long. We finally managed to live less than an hour away from each other and she leaves for basic.. But thats the life. As soon as she gets done with training and gets settled at her duty station it will be time for us to PCS again anyway.. I suppose were both grown ups now with lives and husbands so its not like either of us has a lot of "hang out" time. But there will always be things in life that only she will get. Like indian brushes with blackberry paint or what Malibu Barbie smells like..

30 pics

Okay.. So I've been a little down in the dumps lately and all of my blogs (as few and far between as they have been) have been pretty negative..
So I'm doing one of these cheesy blog challenges.. It'll get a few post up and maybe convince the world I'm not about to throw myself off the roof..

Day 1. A picture of yourself with 15 facts
Day 2. A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
Day 3. A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 4. A picture of your favorite night
Day 5. A picture of your favorite memory
Day 6. A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 7. A picture of your most treasured item
Day 8. A picture that makes you laugh
Day 9. A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10. A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with
Day 11. A picture of something you hate
Day 12. A picture of something you love
Day 13. A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day 14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15. A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16. A picture of someone who inspires you
Day 17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day 18. A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19. A picture and a letter
Day 20. A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21. A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day 22. A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23. A picture of your favorite book
Day 24. A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25. A picture of your favorite day
Day 26. A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27. A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28. A picture of something you're afraid of
Day 29. A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30. A picture of someone you miss

Okay say Day #1, here we go..

#1 I was born and raised in Hattiesburg Mississippi, I take great pride in being A Southern Woman.
#2 In approximately 3 months i will give birth for the fourth time, bringing into the world my fourth son..
#3 The largest elephant in recorded history weighed 24,000 pounds and was 13 feet tall at the shoulders. (24,000 pounds is more than an empty F/A-18C/D)
#4 I just really do not like Jimi Hendrix.
#5 I'm seemingly confident as a parent from a distance but once you get closer its easy to see these kids will need years of therapy.
#6 I have known James for 16 years. James and I have lived together for over 7 years and we have been married for 6 years (next month is the 6 year mark anyway)..
#7 Technology has ruined manners and made America's children fat and stupid. I would throw the TV away if James would let me..
#8 Seven out of every ten children with epilepsy will never know just why they have seizures..
#9 The older i get the more I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be left handed.
#10 The smell of yellow Jessamine on a spring day in the South will stop me in my tracks.
#11 I hate change.. Mostly because i suck at it.. I like things the way they are..
#12 Before it was Scrabble, it was called Lexiko..
#13 My all time favorite song is Midnight Train to Georgia by Gladys Knight and the Pip.. Get it Gladys!
#14 ASD affects around 1 in 110 kids. Sometimes the signs aren't so blaringly obvious. It can be hard to spot in very high functioning kids and show differently in girls.. If something seems off to you, ask your doc and don't stop until you get answers!
#15 I am a Navy Wife through and through. I am the Queen of squared away. I know what goes in a Sea Bag. I know how to survive deployments and detachments. I know what MWR, NMCRS, FFSP, TSP, PCS and DeCA stand for. I know the difference between away and aweigh. I know where to put the patches (and i can do if faster than those uniform shop bitches). I know my place in our family. I know my place in the Navy (not in a sea bag). Mostly though, i know i love my husband and i am thankful that his career has opened many doors for our family..

Bye Mom, Love you..

After two very intense days (and two days of missed school) Presley went back to class today with a few new words in his vocabulary.. It was hard to let him go but i managed to make it back to the truck before i started crying and almost all the way back to our house before i started sobbing.. God i wish i could stop doing that. I hate crying. Its just a reminder that im not as tough as i think i am. It seems as though every few minutes some new and heartbreaking thing that im just gonna deal with, pops into my head and i cant make it go away. Last night i cried for almost an hour because of a piece of paper.. Not just any piece of paper but one that was in the millions of pieces of paper about epilepsy that ive gotten in the past two days. Not real sure why this particular piece of paper hurt so bad. Well i guess i do, its one no parent really wants to every see. It was information on how important it is that i get Presley some type of medical ID bracelet and it listed off a few places i could purchase one. Up until that moment in my life i could always kind of quietly deal with my heartbreak over that lot my son was handed in life because he didnt look any different than any other kid.. Once i put a bracelet on him that changes.. Now he looks different that other kids. Now people that dont even know him, know hes sick..
God i hate this.
The last 48 hours have been about the darkest of my entire life.. Im trying to smile but really i am sad, scared and very, very alone.. James and I going through this away from each other has sucked.. We could really use our Daddy Rabbit right now.. Or i could anyway. Poor Presley is so used to seeing new specialist and having different test done and learning medical words that this is absolutely not even a thing for him..
Okay well i gotta get out of here and head to the pharmacy.. Something called Depakote is supposed to just turn the seizures off.. So were gonna try it starting tomorrow..

geeze, what else..

almost 2 years ago Presley started having (or James and i noticed) these things that sort of looked like panic attacks..
Over time they have evolved and become very distinct.
About 8 months ago James and I both said that they have almost started looking somewhat like seizures. We brought it up to the doctor and like so many doctors involving Presley over so many different things in the past, it was brushed off. They pretty much told us that if they didnt see it happen then they couldnt tell us what it was..
Well about a week and a half ago his doctor FINALLY saw it! She agreed it did look like a seizure so she put in a referral for a neurology consult. While waiting for the confirmation to arrive in the mail we went to the pediatric neuropsychologist (our Asperger doctor) where it actually happened 7 times in 25 minutes, right in front of her.. She immediately got on the phone, made a million calls and got us into see THE pediatric neurologist the next day (this morning)..
Pres had an EEG done (which he handled amazingly!) during which he had 3 separate and distinct seizures..
An hour later im sitting in the office of a guy with rainbow shoes when i heard another one of those cold, scary and unforgiving medical words.. Epilepsy

Presley has epilepsy..

He will start drugs for it tomorrow evening that he will continue to take until he has been seizure free for two years..
Im feeling rather numb right now.. But as the day goes by the panic and sadness i can tell are seeping in.. I could really use James right now..

okay well the smaller boys are up from naps now i so i guess i better get back to pretending nothing is wrong..
Happy faces!

ill write more about this when i have the time and the words..

Some days i just want to scream

I try, very hard, on a daily basis to not complain..
I hate whiny women.. Okay i hate whiny people in general..
I realize that being satisfied with your life is a decision you make everyday and pretty much everything you have, you gave yourself.. You know that whole "you made your bed and now you gotta sleep in it thing". I'm a big fan of self-reliance..
All of these are reasons why i try not to complain. This and i just cant stand the sound of people bitching once they get past the age of 4 or so. Once your an adult you should have accepted the basic understanding that life is hard.. and pretty much shitty..
Pretentious, cynical.. Whatever, I've been called worse and today I'm about to bite somebodies head off..
Its been a long couple of weeks in this house and I'm a little bit worn down..
I need a break (this is where other peoples bitchin comes in).. I am soooo fucking sick of hearing my Mom friends bitch that they only get out of the house once a month or so.. James and I have been married 6 years and in that 6 years we've gone out, on a date, without kids three times.. Yea your once a month is sounding pretty good next to my once every 24 months. I don't play my military spouse card very often (because it happens to be something I'm quite proud of) but my husband has been gone for half of our marriage (i really don't know where we found the time to make these kids!) and we don't (never have and probably never will) live anywhere near family and friends who could maybe help me out. Not that i would ask..
I hate hearing women bitch about how they had to take their kid to grocery store with them.. Aww, hmm, bless your heart.. Try taking 3 (soon to be 4) kids with you because your spouse is on a different continent. And while your there you have to keep the babies fed, dry and happy, keep the three year old from melting down and keep explaining to strangers why the five year old is making weird noises with his eyes rolled back in his head..
Ah but i cant complain for some reason.. James is in the military and most people have the attitude of well, he knew what he signed up for (but wait, i have great health insurance).. Yea because that makes it easier on the children. The children, yes i know what causes that too.. And sure i could take a break, go out, relax.. Because there is just a world full of babysitters who i trust that can handle hyperactive aspie with tourettes..
Im bored, lonely, pregnant and i miss my husband..
Did i mention that for the last 6 days all of the children have had fevers and bright green ninja turtle ooze dripping from their faces?

okay.. I think all i have succeeded in doing here is putting myself in a worse mood so im going to stop now..
Putting my happy face back on and maybe tomorrow wont suck.. But hey even if it does, i probably wont say anything..

You ever wonder if those people who have strokes from being under immense stress realize thats whats happening when it happens?

wishin' and hopin' and thinkin'

Okay so strangely enough, the tables have turned..
What was once a desire to raise a houseful of strong southern gentlemen has crumbled into a pink, taffeta mess..
So I'm (at this point) about 90 percent sure that after this child is born i will be done having children and i intend to have some kind of surgical and permanent type of birth control..
If this baby is not a girl, I am never going to have one and I'm going to be quite sad about it..
Yes I'm sure that i could talk James into, whats one more when you've got 12 right? But i know that i cannot physically, emotionally or financially afford another baby.. Besides i could have 10 more babies and still never get a girl.. My grandparents in law had 7 daughters all in a row! 7!!
Ive trained in vain to convince myself that i don't need to have a daughter.. Listen to some of the reasoning Ive come up with..

Some of us were just made to have boys..

I'm not girly enough to have a daughter..

There's too much to worry about with teenage girls..

Having a girl would throw off the whole room sharing situation at our house..

James already has a daughter and i feel like if i had one, it would somehow or another take away the specialness of their relationship.. Hes already got an apple in his eye, he doesn't need two!

I'm not ready to give up my "Mom of all boys" crown and sash..

All the toys, clothes and kid furniture i have is for boys..

All just an attempt to hide the disappointment i know ill feel if i get a hot dog and not a hamburger again!
And its not even some biological driven need for a daughter.. Its her.. What would she look like? What would she be like when shes 5, 10, 25?
You remember those little dancing cheerleader girls? They had that Internet video of them at a competition dirty dancing to "all the single ladies"? Well i see things like that and shake my head.. Those were the people that should not have had daughters.. Its almost a knife in my back every time i see some slut i went to high school with, who still thinks its appropriate to dress like Brittney in a school girl outfit, have a daughter.. or two.. I cringe at the thought that one day, these are the girls that are going to go to high school with my sons.. I want to have a daughter so i can teach her to hunt arrowheads. The teenage girl who changes her own oil (okay maybe not because i don't plan on letting the kids own cars until they are at LEAST 18).. The woman who's read Life on the Mississippi.. The little freckle faced blond who picks flowers..

Just Another Day Older..

January 14th has come and gone once again and I am another year older..

Weird..

I don't feel any older but I'm pretty sure that's only because i felt old as hell to begin with..

This year I,
lived in Sunny Florida,
bought a newer model of the same SUV that i rolled around in when i was a kid,
got handed some big scary medical words over Presley,
planted my very own unsuccessful vegetable garden,
swam in the ocean,
mowed the lawn for the very first time,
watched Wilson start walking,
have been a fancy Blue Angel's wife,
reconnected with Hattiesburg,
started eating sushi,
understood what "not 16 anymore" really means,
loved James even more than i did last year,
got pregnant with my FOURTH child,
sent my first born off to Kindergarten,
switched from Coke to Dr. Pepper,
missed California (I know right?),
realized that the older i look, the more handsome James will become,
have been tired,
realized the older i get, the harder pregnancy becomes,
watched my baby sister go off and do something with her life,
went on two dates with James (2! that's like a record!),
have really started to appreciate quiet,
found out what stress really feels like and
a bunch of other stuff..

Also this year i learned that no matter how old i get, somebody 15 minutes older than me is going to refer to me as a baby and tell me i wont be old until im their age..
The same goes for my kids.. This year i went through the impossibly hard task of sending "the situation" off to kindergarten and everybody tried to make me feel better by saying "wait until your kids in the third grade" or "i just sent my baby off to college".. Guess what folks, that doesn't help..
Ive learned that its always something.. isn't it?
Ive learned paying utilities sucks..

Weirdly enough this year I've stopped fearing thirty.. I'm actually excited about it!(?)
okay well the alarm bell is going off (that's code for at least two of the kids are screaming) so better be on my way..

American dream.. Yours or mine?

The American Dream, that old American ethos. What does it mean today? To me? To you?
Is it apple pie, picket fences. Is it a middle class family with 1.6 kids or couple in their eighties celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary?

James Adams wrote that the "It is not a dream of motor cars and high wages merely, but a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable, and be recognized by others for what they are, regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position."

Martin Luther King Junior wrote "when these disinherited children of God sat down at lunch counters they were in reality standing up for what is best in the American dream and for the most sacred values in our Judeo-Christian heritage, thereby bringing our nation back to those great wells of democracy which were dug deep by the founding fathers in their formulation of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence."

I think it may be simpler.. I think the American Dream is in every moment, good or bad..
I think most people come into adulthood with these beautiful dreams of what life will be like (wouldnt it be nice if we were older....) and on the other hand we have what life turned out to be.. I think we are happiest in the moments that fall in between, there is where you will find the American dream..

If i have to hear it one more time..

Ah yes, I'm pregnant again.. And even though this is my fourth pregnancy in 6 years people still feel the need to throw their opinions about anything and everything into my face along with every stereotypical and stupid comment you can make to a woman who is expecting..

So i am responding..

YES, Oh my god, yes.. I know what causes this.. Clearly i built my family by clicking my heels together and wishing really hard.
Seriously this is how it always goes..
Hey, we got some great news the other day.
Yea, whats that?
James and I are going to have another baby!
Oh.. you know what causes that right?
I mean for once could i get a congratulations. Yes i acknowledge that my husband and i have carnal knowledge of each other. Yes i know that is how children are conceived. Yes that is one of the many reasons (many reasons) we do it..

No, this was not (i repeat NOT) a surprise (or accident or oopsie).. I am an adult woman who has a brain. I understand that as a woman of reproductive age, contraception is something that i must think about and practice. Unless my husband and I have comfortably and securely made the decision to let nature take its course and try to conceive.
Because lets face it.. Your either trying or your not. Not, not trying (not using contraception) is indeed trying to get pregnant..

How am I going to handle it all?
Well, its not like I'm giving birth to the incredible hulk so i think i can manage.. The same way i managed when i had one child, or two, or three. Just because you couldn't imagine it all (to the lady with no kids) doesn't mean that some families don't thrive. And no (to the lady who has one bad as hell kid) I am not crazy. I don't very often say it out loud but I'm a damn good Mom! and James is one damn good Father and Husband. Believe it or not, its not bedlam around here. At this moment dinner is in the oven, Presley is sitting at the island in the kitchen quietly doing his homework and James, River and Wilson are snuggled under the green blanket (that i crocheted myself) watching Top Gun.. Its actually quite peaceful..

Yes my hands are full. So is my car, pantry, linen closet, freezer, garage, junk drawer, glass of tea... I have alot of things that are full. But my heart is fuller than all of them combined..

Yes, your right. It probably is better me than you.

NO! I'm not trying for a girl. I'm trying for a fucking giraffe.. This one really bugs me. Why do people assume that because i have sons that i must be having a fourth child so i can have a girl. Amazingly enough folks, i don't need to have a daughter. If anything, a boy would really save me a ton of cash because we have everything set up for boys.
If this child comes into the world with indoor plumbing, Its not like I'm going to need therapy. I will be just as excited for a hamburger as i would a hot dog.. I'm just getting a little tired of people telling me that i need to have a daughter.

And the last one.. And probably the one that is the most personal that people just feel freely to discuss.
You know what, I'm not sure if I'm having my tubes tied after this or not. I may decide that this chapter in my life is over or i may decide to travel down this road again some day. I'm not really sure yet.
I know that I've leaned toward completion with this pregnancy but in all honesty its only because everybody and their fucking Mother is telling me that's what i need to do.. Yes, I've got more than 1.6 children. No, I'm not trying to have my own TLC show. What difference does it make to anyone else? We're not of welfare, food stamps or WIC. Our kids are well behaved. They say please and thank you, they don't put their elbows on the table. I can think of alot of people who shouldn't have ANY children and for damn sure shouldn't have any more.. But i wouldn't say anything to them. So why then, do people feel so free to say to me "Geeze another one? When are you gonna get James fixed?". Fixed? James isn't broken and if I didn't want to be pregnant, I wouldn't be pregnant..


Okay.. Well i guess that's enough pissing and moaning for one night. I better go anyway, that chicken isn't gonna fry itself!!

This was a good idea?

Wow i haven't "blogged" in a while..

So lets catch up eh?

Okay so we pulled the goalie.. Or actually the goalie committed suicide. My IUD jumped out of my cervix 4 days before my appointment to talk to my doctor about having it removed anyway. I guess so me folks just cant handle rejection.
So me, the fertile Myrtle, got pregnant a few minutes later.. Well maybe a more than a few minutes but within the next few weeks i got two pink lines, a blue plus sign, two red lines and a phone call from a lab tech saying i had a low (but detectable) amount of HCG in my blood.. A week later i got another phone call from the woman who was to arrange my prenatal care. She seemed very concerned over just how low the level was, so she ordered another blood test which came back reassuringly high..
So there was that.. I'm knocked up, with child, in a family way, with a delicate condition or very, very pregnant with my 4Th child since 2005.. However you want to look at it..
Morning sickness came in and kicked my ass. Hormones made me crazy and lack of calories made me exhausted.. Plus we all had a touch of the flu to make things just that much better!! All of that equals a dirty house and Momma doesn't give a shit today.. Sorry kids, we're not getting dressed and Moms not getting off the couch.. Right in the midst of that when i really thought.. WHY DID I DO THIS?? What was i thinking?? 4 kids? Brandy are you insane? You cant handle three kids and the flu!! That karma thing people keep talking about, showed up.. I started bleeding. A lot. I went to the ER and noticed through the panic that i was cramping too..
Okay i thought, i know what this means.. I also know that I've been through worse and I'll be okay.. After an exam, blood test and ultrasound it was determined that this kid is a tough one because he was amazingly enough, still in there! He was a little small.. About 11 days smaller than he should have been which would have normally been a big concern but seeing as how i had very low HCG levels.. It seems like i just conceived a little late in my cycle and everything is fine.. So far.. Its still very early on but I'm feeling good about it.. Physically i feel like barfing but emotionally I'm feeling good..
Oh yea, my new due date from my ultrasound is the same due date i had with Presley, June 21st (though he came a few hours early and landed on June 20Th) so what are the chance of that??

If i have to be green, I wanna be OD

Ive never really been a "green" person. Im a child of the eighties.
We are living in a material world and I am a material girl. Im a consumer, its the culture i was brought up in. I did not invent the internal combustion engine but i take great advantage of it. I grew up with drive-thrus, plastic and PCs and have never really given it a second thought.
That is, until recently.. You know that oil spill that everybody freaked out about? The one that (as far as facebook was concerned) was worse than a planetary collision and nuclear winter, the one that killed every living being on the face of the Earth.. You know, the one nobody talks about anymore? Well since that happened I've really been thinking alot about what I'm leaving behind for my kids and my grand kids.. How much of a consumer I actually am..
I drive a gas guzzler.. I know that, hell I've got two of them but not because i choose too but because i have a growing family and they don't make electric full size SUVs.. There really isn't anything i can do about that but I'm realizing there are alot of things that i can do.. Every little bit helps right?? Reduce, reuse, recycle!! Waste not want not!! I recycle all the paper, plastic and cans that come through this house. I consciously try not to buy things that i don't need.. I wont buy the kids cheapie plastic toys (that cant be recycled) no matter how much they beg just so they can end up broken in my yard tomorrow. Of course that has less to do with being responsible and more to do with i don't want a bunch of broken fucking toys piled in my yard, it looks trashy.. Anyhoo, now I'm on the next step. Reusing. Im completely addicted to these blogs or shows about old stuff that gets turned into something new and useful and amazing instead of ending up in a dump. So here lately I've been really trying to take stock of what i own and instead of buying something new, seeing if i cant re purpose something into what i need..
I thought i would share with you the past few weeks examples..

The first one isn't really anything super or even creative for that matter but a few weeks ago we painted Presley's room and I wanted to get him a new dresser that went more with the look that we were going for..
This is what he had before. Its actually a dresser from when i was a kid and lets just say this thing has been through the war!!



So i sanded it down, painted it, put a clear enamel on it so it would maybe have a chance of surviving Presley and put some new pulls on it and i think it came out looking pretty good for the first thing that I've ever sanded before!!


By the way, sanding totally sucks..

Okay the second one is my little compost bin that I'm super proud of!! Up until now I've just kind of had this heap next to my garden that i piled yard debris, paper and kitchen scraps on and occasionally would stir up with a shovel.. I didn't need much, I'm kind of a crappy gardener but James and I have been overhauling the yard this summer and now we're trying to get it all ready for the winter so maybe, just maybe, it'll look decent by next summer.. Looking decent includes doing something with my pile of decomposing organic matter. Meanwhile, in my garage I've had some old baby gates sitting around.. really i wanted to just throw them away because they were cheapies anyway but they're too big to fit in my garbage can and if its not in the can, they wont pick it up. Yea i never said i wasn't lazy! So i had flash of creative process and came up with this.. It lifts right out of the ground and its the perfect size for what i need..
Its probably only going to last until next spring but whatev's.. it works for now..

Okay the last one is carpet, lots of it.. My neighbor across the way (one of the bazillion other people that also owns a Trailblazer) re carpeted his house last week so James walked over and asked if he could have the some of the old stuff and padding to sound proof the garage (don't all people have rock bands living in their garage?) so he gladly gave James some of the bigger pieces that would work for what he needed.. He also happened to give James a few feet of the new carpet that was left over. I saw it and immediately thought about how for the last few weeks Ive been contemplating buying two of those things that sit underneath car seats. They're made to protect the seat itself, if you've got upholstery you'll be okay for a while but if you've got leather (like the Suburban) you need them.. River and Wilson's car seats have been trying to stab holes in the center row of seats for a while now.. Especially River's because i just put his slouchin' behind back in a five point harness and he's a little bit heavier now than he was when he came out of it.. So here we have under car seat protectors via my neighbors new carpet installation!!

Ignore the crayon in the picture, it managed to elude me when i was vacuuming the other day..

I guess necessity is the mother of invention!

You're good enough, You're smart enough..

There are some days when my life scares the ever living shit out of me.
Okay maybe not days but moments where suddenly it hits me that I am NOT the person that needs to be doing this.
For example, earlier this evening Presley and I were sitting at the table working on writing his whole name and when we got to our last name he said "this is a hard word Mom" and for about 2 seconds i went into a panic thinking that i am the LEAST patient person on the face of the Earth, why am I teaching a small child to write. Dear God, I am responsible for teaching another human being our written language??? I don't think I would be capable of explaining this to a grown up with a high IQ let alone a small child with a learning disability!! But then i looked down and he had written it perfectly and had gone on to draw what he said was the USS Presley Joe..
Or the moment before i go to sleep at night when i suddenly remember that i forgot to turn on the alarm clock and i manage to shake myself awake, get up and turn it on. Its in that moment when i think Fuck Brandy! You just about completely forgot to turn on the alarm clock? That is the easiest part of your entire day! Presley would have been late for school and probably missed some super important lesson on String Theory, what kind of Mother does that?? Oh shit I'm a mother!! I am solely responsible for three living, growing, learning beings. Their health and their happiness are direct results of decisions that I make and looking back.. Ive had my moments of some pretty pitiful decision making.. But then i tell myself that i guess i must be doing something right, they are all still alive so that counts for something. No one has starved to death or been struck by lightening yet.. And for kids whose existence is half way made out of me, they're pretty well adjusted I'd say. They have manners, they don't talk back or dart off into traffic. They're pretty self reliant. They make happy plates and they don't put their elbows on the table.. And then i get back in bed, satisfied that the alarm clock is on..
Some people may say hey, you know that sounds alot like PTSD? But i say that i just spend way to much time by myself.. You know when James is gone I can easily go two weeks without having any interaction with anyone over the age of five? Think about what that's like for a second. Day in and day out, never really connecting with anyone who can stand up in the shallow end of a pool? This is normally when i have my momentary panics..
But then i buck up, wash the dishes and try to do something fun with kids and realize that Yea, i got this shit! I can do this. My kids are effing amazing (even though they come from two long lines of crazy!) and sooner or later James will get home and it will be nice when he does but nothing is going to crumble without him.

Besides, even on my worst day im pretty good at reminding myself that somebody out there has had it worse.. Like the ladies that had to this kind of shit to keep it together when their husbands were gone.. Because yea, eff that..

Today always sucks..

I hate days like today..

James left for a 2 week trip. The house is a mess. All three kids have been screaming at each other for about 3 hours now.. Im sitting in the studio room trying to ignore them. Im tired and badly need a drink.. Yea i said it, i need a drink! If i felt like loading up the monkeys that are probably destroying my home i would buy them happy meals and then throw them in their beds.. But i dont even feel like doing that.. I think its going to be a peanut butter and jelly with sphagetios kind of night.. (SCREEEECH and something breaking coming from the other room) Yea its definitely going to be that kind of night..

Wish me luck..