Things i have learned since becoming a parent..

Of the many things my children have taught me, I thought I'd share a few..

If your kid colors on his walls with your eyeliner pencil you might as well build a new house because there is NO paint on the face of the Earth that will successfully cover that shit up.. Also, I have to start keeping a padlock on my make up box..

Washing and drying pissy clothes will not necessarily get the piss smell out..

DVD players will not play corndogs... or anything else after that..

You can never really childproof your house..

Time out is the biggest load of crap i have ever heard of.. Unless maybe your timeout spot has a seat that is bolted into the wall and has a five point harness.. Mine doesnt so i prefer to go about things the old fashioned way.

Being specific is really important.. Like instead of saying "Goodnight baby, sleep well" you should say "Good night baby, sleep well, dont take apart any furniture, leave your doors attached to the walls, leave the electrical outlets alone, stay inside the house, stay away from the microwave and have sweet dreams!"..

It is perfectly acceptable to laugh at your kids for being retarded.. You've got to have a sense of humor about things.

Children can and will climb a 6 foot tall entertainment cabinet to get the celadon elephant that your husband got you in Thailand, the one and only gift he ever put any real thought into getting you, just to shatter it into a hundred pieces..

You should just accept your stretchmarks.. I refer to mine as war wounds i got when fighting the good fight..

You can only be responsible for the effort, not the outcome..

Breastfeeding is important and it IS good for baby but it is NOT the beautiful bonding moment those lactation consultants make it out to be..

Running around naked screaming like a banshee must be fun as hell!

I can survive and do well on 3 hours of sleep a week. Really, anything after that is just an opportunity for your kids to get into the pantry and destroy your home..

It feels good, and i mean REALLY good to see other people not be able to handle what you handled.. Okay that one sounds spiteful but you gotta understand The Situation was not an easy breezy kid starting at around age 2.5 until.. well he went to sleep a few hours ago and i heard alot of everything from "boys will be boys" to "he just needs more discipline" and i gotta say it has made my heart glow to watch those people's sweet little babies turn into soul destroying monkeys.. I hope those kids break ALL their parents elephants from Thailand.. or whatever..

I have learned alot of good things too.. Like how fun it is to run through the sprinkler when its hot as balls outside. How good it feels to watch your child figure something out on their own and what it feels like to be unconditionally loved. I have learned that its the little things in life that really make life worth living and nothing is sweeter than a sweaty headed little boy bringing me a flower (or kumquat off the neighbors tree that hangs over the fence)..

And on a side note, today River said "Mommy, i love you more than F-18s" and Presley jumped right in and said "yea well Mommy i love you more than F-22s"!!

The Situation

That's what I'm going to refer to Presley now, The Situation..

Today has been a really, really long day.. Today was the day that we took Presley up to his school to meet his teachers. It went... well it just went about as well as i thought it would.
As soon as we walked through the front door we had to walk past the toy box they keep next to the school nurses office (so far the only thing in his school he's ever seen) and because he didn't get to stop and play he started crying and whimpering, which if you know Pres, you know is something he does quite alot.. This was not a good foot to start our trip to the school on. We make it back to the kindergarten wing and hes gone into semi-panic mode. Semi-panic mode is the place where Pres spends about three quarters of his life. I get a clipboard full of paperwork to fill out and we walk on to the classroom. There we are met by two of the most pleasant women, clearly bred to be kindergarten teachers and they and Pres sit down at the table and start to talk. This is where Presley goes into full blown panic mode (otherwise known as our good old friend Asperger)... These super patient ladies are asking him questions about his colors and shapes, which he knows, in english and in german and he stops making the little bit of eye contact he does make starts doing his stimming breathing thing he does. He goes into what i call Haze gray and underway. He starts spouting off random facts about airplanes and quoting Top Gun (which his teacher thought was HILARIOUS).. I was heartbroken.. I see this brilliant kid who could explain how our eyes see color, not be able to tell his teacher what color the bear is because hes too busy flapping his hand in his hair.. I have been horrified for the last three months that this would happen and today it did..
I know that Presley is a little bit different than other kids but up until the last week or so I've had the Mama Gump attitude about it... If god intended everyone to be the same, he'd of given us all PDD.
Now I'm not so sure.
I'm trying to stay positive and tell myself that i just need to give him some time to get used to it and when he does he'll show everyone how brilliant I know he is. We'll show them!

I could use a little backing up though. Right now my whole life starting to feel like that moment when you take a big swig off your cup of coffee and realize that its cold.

I've got a handful of great friends who i feel like really listen to me.. Okay I've got two that i know i can lean on, that i can call whenever i need somebody to take me seriously as a Mother when it comes to Presley. I'm not desperately trying to reach out through a guilt trip right now. I'm just heavy with Mommy worry over something that alot of people in my life don't take very seriously. Hell i just got captain ADHD (James) to look and realize that this is real. Its really happening in our family and it really happened to our son.
If i have to hear one more person who only sees my kid 3 times a year tell me that his behavior is normal, or all kids go through this I'm going to fucking scream.. You know The Situation is five years old now and still doesn't sleep through the night? That's a milestone that most babies hit before they are ten months old, well my kid is five.. You know he cant ride a bike? not even one with training wheels, not even pedal a tricycle because of problems with proprioception and apraxia..

Okay.. I need to stop, I'm not accomplishing anything..

I'm just having one of the bad days of Motherhood, you know the ones we don't tell people about. The ones we all pretend don't happen and the ones we wouldn't dare tell our expecting friends about.. On the outside today was an amazing day, today i took my oldest boy to meet his very first teacher but on the inside i hit rock bottom, trying not to think about how hard some parts of life will be for my beautiful boy..

unslumping yourself is not easily done

boo hoo, woe is me.. I'm having a pity party, would you like to come?

So I'm blue.. Funny, i never really get this way. Or at least when i do I'm pretty good at figuring out why and fixing it.. See? problem solved!

But this time i cant seem to put my finger on it.. I know that it has something to do with Presley going to school in two weeks (13 days to be exact) but i don't know what it is. Whatever it is, its bringing me down. I'm damn near in a full blown depression over it..

Okay i know that its tough when your babies go off to kindergarten (duh) but I've thought through everything about the entire situation and none of the rational, practical reason are whats bothering me. Its not that my baby is growing up. Presley is my big boy. He's always been the older brother, the big kid. Also, Presley is smart as a whip so in many ways I've always treated him like hes older than he is. There are days when even I have to remind myself that he is only five years old.. Its not that I'm going to miss him.. because really.. I'm not.. He'll be gone from just after seven to early afternoon each day and the thought of having all that free time, i don't know what I'm going to do with myself.. Yea I've got two smaller kids here but River and Wilson are pretty easy dudes to hang out with. Presley is my guy who has always needed a constant eye so with him in the safe arms of his teachers i know i will be able to relax.. Maybe even take a shower at a time other than 1 AM!! Its not that i worry about how Presley and all of his hyperactive impulsive aspieness will handle school.. We will build that bridge when we get to a river, worrying about it does no good so i don't bother with the wasted energy.. I pretty much treat life like that though. I'm not a worrier, its waste of time being anxious over things that you have no control over..

For the life of me i cant figure out why I'm so blue over this..

I'm starting to wonder if it has nothing to do with this at all. Maybe I've been so swept up with the boys and all of their endeavors these last few years that I've somehow swept something else under the rug.. Wow now that I've written that it makes much more sense..
A few weeks ago i started going back to the head shrinker.. Which i have avoided like the plague for most of my adult life because there are some things i just don't like to think about. and now that I'm back.. I'm thinking about them.. Which i shouldn't be because I've got alot of other stuff to think about right now.. Okay maybe that's the attitude that got me in this slump..

Whatevs.. Ill be over this in a week or so and ill be ready to start my new chapter, school aged kids!

me? complain?

Alright.. So it seems that alot of my blogging isnt so much blogging but me naming off things that i think are retarded..

So to counteract my negativity, here's a list of things that i love about my American life.

For starters, my boys. I have the best kids! They are perfect for me and i couldnt not have any bettr if i had picked them out of a catalog. Its like each of them is a side of me, made into an entire person.

My James. He is an amazing man who stands up for what he believes in and cares deeply for his family.

Lantanas.. Any color and the ones that are not trimmed, that just grow wild are the best.
The smell of garlic on my hands. It means ive been cooking and i love to cook, especially with garlic. That smell reminds me so wonderfully of my grandmother. I possess a sensory processing disorder (I wouldnt call it a disorder, im very sensitive to light, sounds and smells. All of which i attach emotion to, yes even different kinds of light)so alot of my favorite things have to do with light, sound and smell.
The fact that people pull over and stop for funeral processions. In a weird way i feel honored when i get to do that and it is something i take very seriously.. If you dont, your a douche and i swear to whatever kind of god that is up there that if some douche tries to cut in front of my funeral procession i will haunt that motherfucker until he dies..
I love the USO.

I love the way flowers smell (particularly yellow jasmine, 4 o'clocks, gardenias and honeysuckle). I find the older i get the more i enjoy flowers..

I love fall. It is by FAR my favorite time of the year. I get to wear the kind of clothes that i like. I get to make and jar soups and stews, drink hot tea. I love the way the wind smells in the fall. Like dried leaves and the way a handmade blanket feels.

I love having red hair.. Though I am NOT a ginger, my sister is and my green eyes and freckles make me seem as though i should be.
I love getting to wear levis and wifebeaters with a straw hat. That was pretty much my uniform until i started having kids then the wifebeater look wasnt so good for me but im working on it and ill be rocking one again soon!
I love to hook, bind, web, purl, cable and weave..
yea im a dork.
I love driving my suburban. It may be a gas guzzling dinocinterator and liberals may hate everything about it but i love it. It utilitarian, big and black and cast a forward presence. Its well insured and almost payed for. It fits my entire family and all of our groceries. It can pull a boat and it puts me in a good mood..
I love big families. Some people think the duggars are nuts but i think they are amazing. I say if you want them and can afford them.. By all means have them. My grandparents had nine children and some of my best memories are of my entire family getting together. I have three children and I am not done..

While we are on the subject. I love being pregnant! Hell, im the weirdo that thoroughly enjoys being in labor.. When i was having River it went freakishly fast, 3 hours start to finish with a 9 pounder and i almost felt cheated because it went by so fast! I smile and secretly envy every pregnant woman i see. I really cant wait until its my turn again..

hint hint James..

The experienced Mom

I now have three children. I have had three completely different pregnancies, labors and deliveries. Each responsible for three very different little boys. In the five years since our oldest boy was born, James and I have faced a host of different situations (for lack of a better word). We have over come many obstacles and climbed many hills. Everytime that we think the have seen it all, one of the boys blows us away with something new!
Since we have been back in the South East and close to our family and friends, i have been reminded time and time again that in my circle I am now the "experienced" Mom. This used to send me into a blind panic.. Now i see it as truth, of course i am not as "experienced" as say my Grandmother who raised 9 children and was married for over fifty years but in my close group of friends.. Yea im that Mom.. I know alot about alot of kid and baby stuff and i know how to not panic..
But im finding it hard to not be jaded. With the exception of a few folks, Im finding i have to make a physical effort to not roll my eyes and sigh when listening to women my age talk about their lives.. Now im not saying im better or better at anything than anyone else. In fact im quite aware of where i stand in the line of Moms and Women around me. Im capable but i could be better, we all could.. But I'm still a woman and somedays i just want to scream QUIT YER BITCHIN to the world.. I am so sorry that your kid doesnt sleep but it in all likely hood its probably your fault.. And in the rare chance that your kid has some weird medical condition that keeps him from sleeping, deal. Thats part of being a Mom. You didnt sign up for 20 years of restful nights. If your kid wont drink from a cup, STOP giving them the bottle. If your kid freaks out without his pacifier, stop shoving it down his throat everytime he cries. If your thirty year old son cant seem to move out, change the locks.. You think your baby is bad now? Give it a few years.. HaHaHa(evil laugh)... Im so bitter.. Okay maybe bitter is not the word but when a houseful of human beings have flown into the world with absolutely no regard for the thing that they shredded on their way here (that thing that used to be your vagina) then you too can get mild to moderately aggravated as hell by people pissing and moaning over things they should realize are nothing to complain about or are things that are their own fault..
Like, how about instead of saying out loud in front of your child what a douche bag your babies daddy is.. Stop having unprotected sex with losers..

A cool shade of Jonathan

I painted my studio an orangey brickish color and i love it.. Oh and im calling it a studio now. When we first moved in it was the dining room, that clearly what this room was intended to be but for some reason there is carpet in here. Beige carpet. So we traded where dining room table for the computer desk and walah, office. It stayed the office for a while because really its only purpose was to house my nine hundred pound antique office desk and the filing cabinet. But now 6 months later it is also home to my sewing desk, paints, easels, yarn, hooks, needles, scraps, notions and other things that unless a person owned, they wouldnt know what it was by name alone so now this room is my studio. It is not exactly the studio ive always dreamed about but it has big windows and now its a very cool shade of jonathan orange.. Okay Jonathan is my old roomate who has an affinity for certain shades of orange..

Speaking of Jonathans. I am now related to one!

Yes it is true, this past Sunday my sister became the proud owner of her very own husband! They had a lovely wedding and they are currently on their honeymoon.. I am currently fighting the urge to call her. Maggie is normally someone i spend at least an hour a week on the phone with (and trust me, for me that is A LOT!) but i am going to let her enjoy her first week of holy matrimony without me blowing her phone up. My new Brother in law is a guy named Jonathan. He seems cool enough, honestly i dont know him all that well but i trust my sister's ability to judge character and if she likes him.. loves him, then i do to..

The best parts of life

The best parts of life always remind me of my Grandparents.

I was in my backyard earlier this evening after a dinner made almost entirely out of yellow squash. Everything was wet because the boys were playing in the sprinkler. The cicadas, frogs and crickets were loud as hell and the air was sticky with humidity. I was slicing watermelon to dole out to the little guys, River was particularly excited. I looked around to see where James was and for a second i was a little girl again. Sitting on the back porch of my Mimi and Papa's house, after the rain having watermelon with my family in the sticky humid air, listening to the bugs..
I used to think those were the best days of my entire life.. and they were, until now.